Warning: This is a secondhand interpretation of Cloverfield, not a real review. From everything I’ve heard and read so far, J.J. Abrams’ Cloverfield monster flick is mostly 75 minutes of Blair Witch-like camera work on drugs. That is, the camera work is even more jittery than Blair Witch. One reviewer, who liked the movie, said that Cloverfield makes Blair Witch look like it was shot by (famouse landscape photographer) Ansel Adams on a Steadycam.

As you might have already read, one character in Cloverfield, Hud, supposedly shot most of what you see on a handycam type of video camera. So it’s more of an “experience” - not unlike citizen-captured footage of 9/11 - than a movie. The terror comes from the “shared” experience more than anything, from what I can gather. (Does anyone really want to experience that terrible event again?)

If you’re in the right frame of mind, this might be the perfect horror movie. To me it’s not, so I won’t be rushing out to see it. I detested The Blair Witch Project, its jittery camera, and the dripping nostrils, and its wholly unsatisfying nature. I’ve seen too many good horror movies prior and after. (For an interesting viewpoint, please see Geeks of Doom, who discuss possible cult science fiction films for 2008. They also imply that Cloverfield is trying too hard.)

With Cloverfield, if there was such a thing as smellovision, we’d also get to experience the smell of millions of people crapping their pants.

Now how do you like that? The gall of me writing about a film I haven’t seen. Put simply, I hate movies promoted with hype, and will often wait years before I watch them by chance. So far, Cloverfield has been all hype because, as I see it, there’s little to promote about this “new classic”. Oh, except the trailer for the new Star Trek movie, which Abrams is directing and producing. But I’m sure I can see that free on the Internet later tonight, instead of spending $10.

Now had the monsters in Cloverfield been based on H.P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu and other creatures, I’d have been rushing out to theatre tonight for the opening.